Why hello Sister, I’m a nudist!
Have you ever had someone of a religion you’re not part of come to your door to try to save or convert you? Ever wish there was an easy way to get rid of them? Try these tricks and see how they run!
I know, it’s evil, but it’s also fun. Some religious type comes to your door insisting that they have the key to your salvation, and you absolutely must let them in to tell you all about it. Some will take “I’m not interested” as an answer, but many will badger you and even try to push their way into your home. If you’ve had enough, you can try some of these tricks. I’m not telling which ones, but I and some of my family have actually tested some of these methods, and they really work.
Answer the door naked. If you’ve got a bit of nudist or exhibitionist in you, drop your drawers before you answer the door. Of course, you’d better make sure you know who’s on the other side so you don’t accidentally flash your mom or a Girl Scout. Also, never step outside your house, that way you can’t get arrested for public indecency. Nothing will get a religious zealot to run in disgust like seeing your naughty bits displayed so proudly.
Play Hellraiser. Well, any good, gory horror will work. Keep a DVD by the player and put it in whenever they come to the door. Make sure it’s a scene with lots of screaming, cursing, or spouting of evil words by the villain. If possible, make a mix-video or audio that sounds like you have a torture chamber or cult meeting going on in your house, and keep it handy for playing at a moment’s notice. If it doesn’t make them run, it’ll at least make them fear you.
Play death metal. Much like the previous idea, it’s all about shock value. Now, a real zealot will try harder to cleanse you of your evil ways, but most won’t want to deal with the Satanic evil blaring from your speakers. Oh, and be sure you refuse to turn it off if they ask. Tell them you’re listening for Satan to speak to you, and you don’t want to miss his next instructions. That ought to do the trick.
Be gross. Let’s face it, picking your nose or scratching your privates will turn almost anyone off. Feel free to boldly do these things while they attempt to go through their spiel. Belching, passing gas, scratching at your dandruff, picking a scab or eating like an animal can also be used as repellents.
In a perfect world, people would respect our religious beliefs, or lack thereof, and not try to shove their beliefs down our throats in an attempt to “save” us. But we don’t live in a perfect world. Politeness (which would be the thing we’d all prefer to use) sometimes doesn’t work, so you have to resort to something more extreme. One thing I should say though, is please don’t be extremely rude or threaten harm to anyone. Sure, give ’em a good shock or a little scare, but you should never treat someone badly if you can avoid it. If all else fails, post a prominent “No Solicitors, Including Religious” sign on your lawn.