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One of the challenges I’m constantly facing is how to maintain faith when there is no proof. I’m not talking about a higher power, I’m talking about the general belief that things will get better or change. If all you’ve ever had is what you’ve got, and you’ve never seen it get better, how do you continue to believe that it ever will?
I go through waves of depression over this issue. I want to believe, I want to have faith that my day is coming, and someday I’ll be able to look back on this shit life and it will just be an ugly memory. The thing is, it doesn’t change. I know what I want, I work for it, I pray for it, I try to believe in it, and it doesn’t come. It’s disheartening to say the least.
There are actually days when I wish I could be one of those brainless fluffy-happy optimists that go around always thinking life is great even when it utterly sucks. Unfortunately I can’t lie to myself like that, I actually have eyes and a brain. I try not to be a total Negative-Nelly, but I don’t have any other point of reference. I’ve yet to see my faith and desire pay off, so it gets really hard to maintain it. And it’s not like I just daydream and pray, I do a hell of a lot more than that.
I have been working my whole life to get what I want. I may not have had many traditional jobs, but don’t ever even think that I haven’t busted my ass my whole life, because I have. I have done everything I could with what I had. I’ve tried to make the very best of the cards I’m dealt. I’d rather stack the deck in my favor, but I haven’t quite found how yet. Suffice it to say that I’ve worked enough to earn the kind of pay I could retire on right now. So where is all that money that I’ve worked so hard for?
I’ve done what I could with my physical limitations too. I try as best I can, and often push myself more than I should, just like I do with work. And yet health has never come to me. I know there are people out there who have healed cancer with the power of prayer, so why can’t I fix a thyroid disorder? I can’t even fix my insomnia, but not for lack of trying. And those are just a few of the things I’ve been going after. What the hell do I have to do to get them?
What fuels me more than anything is anger and the desire to never give up and let it get the best of me. Sometimes I think I’d be happier if I could just stop wanting, just take this life for what it is and settle for it. My brain’s just not wired that way. I literally can’t give up. I don’t know how, and I really don’t want to. I want the life I deserve. I want love, health, financial stability. It’s not so much to ask for. But I think I’ve gone from faith to blind determination. I simply will not let this get the best of me. I will not be weak and fall, but that’s not the same thing as faith and belief. It gives me no joy or hope.
How do you have faith without proof? If you never see things change, how can you believe they will? I want something that will give me joy and hope. I want to know that the better life will be here before I’m too old to enjoy it. I want to be filled with the happiness of knowing that I will get to live my dreams. I want to know that I got one thing, and I can get everything else. How do people do that?
Enada
I have to comment on this, because I think I might have a little insight that might be helpful.
I don’t have faith. I’m too logical. I’m not an atheist, although I’ve met atheists who also don’t have faith and are happy wonderful people. I’ve actually found I’m happier and more optimistic and less easily stressed out than the people who rely on faith to get them through hard times. Yes I have been abused, raped, treated like an evil Thing, and I have had bouts of depression because of it. I just understand that it’s perfectly normal. The world doesn’t owe me a happy life. Depression is normal. Anxiety is normal. Nobody needs a pill or a religion to cure these things, just like we don’t need to cure anger or hatred, it’s all a part of us. The fact that a lot of people who go through shit turn out to be really good people is because they went through all that shit. The terrible things are absolutely necessary to make us better people.
Now as a Dragon Mother I say this:
So what exactly are you praying for? If you don’t want more pain and suffering then never ever ask the universe for Strength, or Wisdom, or to become more developed mentally or spiritually, or to gain greater insight into the beauty of humanity. Those paths are pathed with PAIN. It’s the Only way to get there. If you at any point thought you’d rather have spiritual growth than money or health, then that is the reason you don’t have money or health, that’s the way magic works. It’s not faith, there are rules. You pay for everything you ask for, and if you don’t name your price up front the universe will take exactly what it needs to give you the results you desire. Understanding this is the key to not being worn down and losing purpose. Before you ask the universe for Anything think a moment about what you are willing to pay for it. Everything I have asked the universe for I have gotten, but I have suffered immensely in the process of getting some of it. I also state beforehand that I am willing to pay the price whenever I really Must have help getting something. When I am curled up in agony for a week I remember what “prayer” I’m paying for.
At the end of the day I am the person I have been paying for. All of my power and wisdom, my “gifts”, and my humor and straight forwardness are things I wanted and suffered for. I have no beef with the universe. I love the all power madly. I can’t be angry at life because I love the precious things I have earned this way. Given the choice between Health, Wealth, and Magic I chose magic and paid for it with the other two.
Would you give up your magic and your personality for an easy life? The universe is willing to make the trade if you think it’s worth the price.
Briana Blair
I disagree with how you believe magic works and these horrible prices being attached to everything, but I do appreciate you stopping by and sharing your views.