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One of the challenges I’m constantly facing is how to maintain faith when there is no proof. I’m not talking about a higher power, I’m talking about the general belief that things will get better or change. If all you’ve ever had is what you’ve got, and you’ve never seen it get better, how do you continue to believe that it ever will?
I go through waves of depression over this issue. I want to believe, I want to have faith that my day is coming, and someday I’ll be able to look back on this shit life and it will just be an ugly memory. The thing is, it doesn’t change. I know what I want, I work for it, I pray for it, I try to believe in it, and it doesn’t come. It’s disheartening to say the least.
There are actually days when I wish I could be one of those brainless fluffy-happy optimists that go around always thinking life is great even when it utterly sucks. Unfortunately I can’t lie to myself like that, I actually have eyes and a brain. I try not to be a total Negative-Nelly, but I don’t have any other point of reference. I’ve yet to see my faith and desire pay off, so it gets really hard to maintain it. And it’s not like I just daydream and pray, I do a hell of a lot more than that.
I have been working my whole life to get what I want. I may not have had many traditional jobs, but don’t ever even think that I haven’t busted my ass my whole life, because I have. I have done everything I could with what I had. I’ve tried to make the very best of the cards I’m dealt. I’d rather stack the deck in my favor, but I haven’t quite found how yet. Suffice it to say that I’ve worked enough to earn the kind of pay I could retire on right now. So where is all that money that I’ve worked so hard for?
I’ve done what I could with my physical limitations too. I try as best I can, and often push myself more than I should, just like I do with work. And yet health has never come to me. I know there are people out there who have healed cancer with the power of prayer, so why can’t I fix a thyroid disorder? I can’t even fix my insomnia, but not for lack of trying. And those are just a few of the things I’ve been going after. What the hell do I have to do to get them?
What fuels me more than anything is anger and the desire to never give up and let it get the best of me. Sometimes I think I’d be happier if I could just stop wanting, just take this life for what it is and settle for it. My brain’s just not wired that way. I literally can’t give up. I don’t know how, and I really don’t want to. I want the life I deserve. I want love, health, financial stability. It’s not so much to ask for. But I think I’ve gone from faith to blind determination. I simply will not let this get the best of me. I will not be weak and fall, but that’s not the same thing as faith and belief. It gives me no joy or hope.
How do you have faith without proof? If you never see things change, how can you believe they will? I want something that will give me joy and hope. I want to know that the better life will be here before I’m too old to enjoy it. I want to be filled with the happiness of knowing that I will get to live my dreams. I want to know that I got one thing, and I can get everything else. How do people do that?