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Eric made a comment on one of my recent posts likening me to the lovechild of Dracula and the Dalai Lama. Screwy as it sounds, it’s pretty accurate.
There are days when I’m like “I love everyone. I see the light and the beauty within you. You can conquer anything and you are part of the divine spirit.” Other days are more like “Seriously? You’re THAT stupid? Do you have any idea how much I’d like to rip your f*cking throat out and gleefully watch you bleed?” Sometimes I go through transitions like that numerous times in a single day. That’s just how I am.
I’ve spent a long time thinking that I had to choose. I had to pick the darkness or the light, because “you can’t be both”. Says who? And I should know better. I recently did a whole day of “Says Who?” posts. I’m not a rule follower, and I think most of the crap we’re told to believe and be is idiotically arbitrary and only designed to make money or make things easy for simple minds.
I always come back to the same feeling though: I need to be ME. I am all sorts of things, I’m weird and freaky and unique, and that’s fine. It’s good. It’s right, at least for me. i never feel whole or happy when I box up parts of who I am and try to hide them away. Going to one extreme or the other isn’t healthy or natural. We’re meant to be whatever we are, and I’m eclectic in so many ways it’s not even funny. The trick is finding the balance.
Right now, it’s hard for me to really be myself. All those voices of the world are in my head telling me that if I do this, I’m going to fail. It will backfire and people will hate me. Pick a side. Be one thing or the other. Motivational speakers don’t swear and crack crude jokes. Badasses don’t care about puppies and hunger. Pick a side! but I can’t listen to them. I am not one thing, I’m many. I’m me.
Sometimes I wish I could make a piece of art or write a poem or something that would sum it all up. I’d love to be able to express to the world how all my pieces fit together and make me awesome. I’d like them to see all that I am and how it’s all so beautiful in my head when I’m in those rare moments of balance. Since that’s not really possible, I’m just going to have to try to let it come out through my writing over time and hope people get it.