I haven’t been writing much, so I figured I’d pop on and give everyone an update. Despite the lack of posts, I’ve actually had a lot going on. Well, in my head at least. Life, in general, has been pretty average, but what’s been going on in my mind has been pretty significant, I just couldn’t quite figure out how to write about it.
Last Tuesday was a pretty big day for me. Coming on the heels of a pretty horrible night, I actually had one of the happiest days I’ve had in years. Not because of anything that I got or any big influx of anything, but because I had clarity. For that one, blissful day, I actually had mental peace. I felt so free and amazing. My mind didn’t wander, I didn’t worry, it was just incredible. Since then my mind has been clearer than it used to be, but nothing like that absolutely fantastic day. I have hope though, that the universe giving me that one day of bliss is a sign of things to come.
I also had a day where I saw myself as beautiful. That’s kind of huge. I’ve worked for years to shrug off the teachings of my past and of the media that made me feel fat and ugly. One day recently, I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror, and was actually struck by how pretty I looked. It was weird too, because my hair was dirty and pulled into a tight ponytail, and I had no makeup on. But in that moment, raw and unadorned, I felt attractive. I had to take a moment to really look at myself and realize that I am an attractive woman. Distinctly Mediterranean yet pale, and lovely in my own way. For the rest of that day I looked in the mirror on purpose every time I went to the bathroom. Even all these days later, I still feel better than I have in a long time. [On a side note, I went looking for images of Mediterranean noses, since mine is rather distinct, and the vast majority of images were before and after surgery where people turned their beautifully ethnic noses into standardized little triangles. I wish people would stop destroying who they truly are to try to look like someone they’re not. Your nose (and every other part) is wonderful! Leave it the way nature intended!]
I also had an opportunity the other night to face an inner demon I didn’t realize I still had. I was playing cards and lost several hands in a row. I got upset, depressed, and angry. I didn’t want to play anymore. I didn’t want to play ever again. I kinda lost my shit for a few minutes. Apparently, the old messages I was given in my youth about how I was just a loser and I sucked and could never be anything hadn’t been completely flushed out. I was being a sore loser, and having a major emotional reaction over a game. It was a real eye-opener. Luckily, I had the chance to talk it through and admit my issue. I forgave myself for still having this fault and agreed to play again, fully aware and accepting of the fact that I could lose again. As it turned out, I tromped my opponent in epic fashion. Not only did I learn that losing isn’t a big deal and that I can handle it better if I want to, I was reminded that things can change radically in a short period of time if you’re not obsessed with the outcome.
On a not so great point, I had to give up my yoga challenge for a bit. My knees were killing me and it was more pain than I could take. I took some time to rest, did a bunch of research, and got myself a joint supplement. I’ll start taking it today, and I’m going to go back to yoga on Monday. (It’s crazy how much I miss yoga when I’m not able to do it! Apparently, I really love my morning yoga.) I’m going to have to take it slow for a few days, then I’m going to restart the challenge. I’ve had to face the feelings of shame for not getting through it the first time and realize that it’s not really failure. Things happen, that’s life. It was better to take the time to make sure I’m healthy than to push through for the sake of pride. The challenge was mostly just for me anyway. It’s not like anyone was paying for it or like I let anyone down by needing to stop. It’s okay. Monday I’ll be back on track and hopefully be better than ever.
I know there were more things that I wanted to share, but it’s really hot in here and I have an ache in my shoulder, so I need to get out of here for now. I’m going to get comfy and watch some Castle and try to hold on to the good feelings that have been coming to me on a more regular basis.