Yesterday the thought occurred to me that if I want to grow as a person and put my best energy forward for the universe, I may want to go through the blog and pull all of the negative, ranting posts. They’re what I felt at the time, but that kind of venom and bile doesn’t really send a good message out. As I’ve gone through the posts and talked to someone about it, I’m starting to wonder about that approach, as well as the journaling that I’ve started and stopped so many times.
I’ve said it again and again, and it’s always true, I love creating and sharing, and I enjoy writing. A part of me always wants to share what I’m thinking and going through. Sometimes I get lost in the competitive mindset of a “real blogger” and think that I have to write things that will get hits and followers and rank, but I always go back to just wanting to write because I need to express myself, and hoping that the right people will find it at the right time.
Eric suggested that I go back to my old journal posts and give them a good series title and just move on from there. It’s not a bad idea either. I thought about “Riding the Wave of Life” because that’s what this whole thing is. I’m just riding the waves and trying to figure it out as I go along. Having a title other than “personal journal” might get more people interested, and I can still share whatever I please. (I’ve always sucked at trying to come up with engaging titles for posts that often cover multiple ideas.)
As for the old negative things, I’m feeling a bit stuck. I don’t really want to have hateful posts anymore. Yes, I get pissed and angry and vent, but does that need to stay up for the world to see? Is that really providing a valuable contribution to the world? Should I delete them? Rewrite them? I’m not sure. As for the personal posts that range from feeling like a glorious goddess to feeling like a murder spree is in order… Well, it may be okay to leave those. The fact is, no one is perfect. People have moods, they get angry, stuff happens. Leaving some or all of the journal posts just goes to show that you can have highs and lows and keep picking yourself up no matter what. One of the most important messages I try to live by and share with others is that you can always do better, you can always recover, and even though the world may try to make you feel shameful for your low points, you don’t need to, because they’re okay. All that matters is that you keep trying.
I know that the shame of “failure” weighs on me sometimes, but that’s society, not me. Anything you grow and learn from is good, you shouldn’t have to hide it. I also worry about those who might call me hypocrite, but there’s nothing hypocritical about admitting that you’re flawed and that yeah, I was a raving bitch yesterday who hated the world, but today I pulled myself together and saved a kitten. People are very complex creatures, and having a bad day doesn’t make you a bad person or a liar.
I guess I’ll figure it all out as I go, like I usually do, and I’m going to do it with the intention of feeling better and helping myself and my readers grow.