Part of me is afraid to write this, but it’s my blog, and this is where I get my thoughts out when I need to. There’s something on my mind, and sometimes talking it out and leaving it for the world to find is the best way for me to deal with things. I can’t be afraid to be myself, especially on my own blog.
The thing on my mind today is when you’ve been friends with people for a long time, but you come to the realization that you just don’t have that much in common anymore. It’s a tough place to be in when you love people and want the best for them, you really don’t want to lose the connection, but your interests really don’t sync anymore. What do you do when your common interests and way of living have just become very different? It’s not that anyone’s right or wrong, just that their ways aren’t yours and yours aren’t theirs. People sometimes go down different paths, that’s just part of life. And sometimes you have a group of friends, and one person branches off while the rest maintain a similar heading. How does that one person deal with it? How do the others? Sometimes multiple people go off in completely different directions, and the group is thrown off. It seems to make for an odd kind of strain that no one wants, but it hangs there, like a cloud threatening rain, but never letting it go.
Over the last year or so, I’ve taken a very different path in my life. I’m constantly in flux, and honestly stumbling and picking myself up to try again a lot. But my vision is always on the same goal. I know what I want, and I’m determined to get there. I can’t really talk about that much anymore outside of the blog. The people I’ve known, almost all of them really, don’t sync up anymore. It’s actually really hard for me to talk to anyone when I have to censor so much due to our differences, and they may very well feel the same. And the thing is, I often fail at censoring, because I really want to talk about the things I’m doing and thinking and feeling. But they’re not shared interests. I love them and want all the best for them, but I also really want to have people to talk to that I have more in common with. The same thing happens in the other direction too.
It’s a hard place to be in. I’ve lost so many people over the years, and I try to keep it from happening, but it seems almost outside my control. That cloud, it gets to people. Some walk away without a word, some try to fake it, some go postal, some try to change you. It’s rare for people to really work it out, but I’m sure that any good person wants that, for there to be some amicable solution where some level of friendship can be maintained without anyone making anyone else uncomfortable.
Right now, I just feel insanely lonely. I can’t talk with my family (and that’s how I think of them) about a lot of things because it’s in such conflict with who they are. I know they love me and want me to be happy, but I don’t think any of us could honestly say that we really mesh anymore. We all want to respect each other, and I’m grateful for that, but I’m just not sure where we go from here. I’d like to make new friends, and I’m trying, but it’s hard to find compatible people who are willing to talk. I also don’t ever want to alienate these people that I care about. It’s a strange place to be, even though I’ve been here before. I think the difference this time is that it’s people who aren’t rotten and pushing me away, they’re being kind and we all care about each other.
I think I’m just going to take some time, be a little quiet, and see how things go.