I’m really getting sick of these days. I get out of bed, look into the mirror, and I try to psych myself up. I tell myself that things are going to get better, things are going to work out. I tell myself that I’m a fighter and I can get through this. Then the day happens, and I feel like I’ve been lying to myself.
Sometimes I swear the deck is stacked against me. I work and try as hard as I know how, and the changes just aren’t happening. It would be easy to believe that we each have a set fate, and that no matter what you do, your life is predetermined and there’s nothing you can do about it. I can’t let that idea take root though. I have to believe that no matter how bad things are right now, they can get better. I have to believe that I can change things. I have to believe that I have control over my life.
It’s not easy. That black pit of despair is right there, beckoning me in. It’s big and dark and all-encompassing. It wants me. But I keep fighting. No matter how much I want to break down and cry and give up, I keep fighting. Hard though it may be, I keep telling myself that some way, somehow, I can change this. I can fix it. I can have a better life.
I do apologize that I haven’t been very uplifting lately. I still believe in making the world a better place. I still want to help other people. It’s just hard to be bright right now. I can be good at what I do, but there’s not a lot of light in it. I’m sorry for that. I actually feel guilty about not having anything on the blog Friday, but I had to take a day and let my mind rest.
Staying even remotely positive right now is taking everything I have, more energy than most of you can even imagine. But I refuse to give in. I refuse to accept a situation that I don’t want to be in. It’s draining me though. I feel completely sapped, just drained of everything. Somehow I keep finding just a little bit more. Somehow I keep running on those fumes and hoping for change.
It doesn’t help at all for me to know how many other people out there are suffering. I’m not the only one trying to survive through a horrible situation. Some people have it even worse. It makes the hurt that much bigger. It even makes me a bit resentful of all the people out there who have it good, who could be helping all of us but aren’t. I’m trying not to let hate take hold in my heart though. Maybe they just don’t know, or don’t understand. Maybe they don’t want to see it. Maybe there’s a way to get them to see, to feel compassion, and to help.
We should all be helping each other, I know that for certain. I help others as much as I can. Even in the midst of all my own bullshit I do whatever I can. That’s what good people do, and be damned if I’m ever going to let myself get to a point where I can’t say that I’m a good person. It will never be said that I stopped caring for people, that I got complacent, or that I didn’t do all that I could. I’ll die before I give up.
So I hope for better. I keep doing what I do. I keep trying to work hard and make the world a better place. I keep trying to be a good human being. What else is there? Quitting is not an option.