I’ve been having a rough time for a while now, and while I have my good days, I’ve been having too many bad ones. I’m trying to figure things out, and it’s bringing a lot of things into question for me. I have no idea how the hell to do it, but I have a lot of things that I need to get figured out.
There’s a part of me that has really wanted to write about this whole thing, but I worried that people would think I was a hypocrite. The truth is, there’s nothing hypocritical about living the life you think you’re meant to live and then questioning it. It’s just a case of “shit happens” and nothing more. If anyone wants to think less of me, so be it. Only a fool never questions or wonders about the path they’re on.
The truth is that I have been dedicating my life to trying to help other people, and it has been draining the hell out of me. I’m not getting any positive feedback, all I’m getting is a comment barren blog and a constant influx of thoughts that hurt like hell. I really do think humanity has the potential for greatness and I do want this to be a better world filled with happy, loving people. Unfortunately, I’m not seeing much evidence of that in the world.
I’m not happy. I’m just not. I want to be, oh believe me, I want to be. I’d give or do just about anything to meet that end. However, trying to help other people just isn’t giving me a very good ROI. It’s miserable. The world sucks and people suck and that kills me. I was hoping that this blog would be a way for me to reach out and touch people and get interaction with others who think like me. What I got is one fan. One. I appreciate the hell out of him when he stops by, but one just isn’t enough.
I also feel like I’ve totally pussified myself. I try to be kind and loving and keep my ranting to a minimum. Like I said, I want to be happy. I don’t want to be the snarky, bitchy, hateful person I used to be. At the same time, writing in a way that’s basically hugging everyone and giving them a pat on the head isn’t working. I frequently think if I went back to calling people assholes and fuck-ups that they might actually listen. Sadly, we live in a world where people often respond better to being abused than to being loved.
I’m even questioning my faith in all of this. I want to believe in Ome/God/Something bigger, but I’m getting really sick of feeling tested and punished. Every time something good comes into my life and I start to feel happy, something else comes along to shit on it all. I’ve been busting my ass and breaking my own heart for so many years, and I’ve got shit to show for it. You’d think that I’ve proven myself many times over by now and I’d be rewarded for all I’ve done. Unfortunately, that thought would be wrong.
I’m just sick of all the hurt and the sadness and the lack of every damn thing. I have no idea what to do, but something’s got to give. I want to help the world, but I’ve got to find some happiness for myself. what that means for the blog, I have no idea. I keep trying to have a plan, but that doesn’t seem to work. I don’t know if I’ll write self-help or rants or random brain vomit or maybe turn the whole damn thing into a marketing platform. I just don’t know anymore.