Today's Random Mental Ejections - BrianaDragon Creations

Today’s Random Mental Ejections

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Skull Head Eyes - Image: Public Domain, Pixabay
Posted by / February 28, 2014 / 2 Comments

Skull Head Eyes - Image: Public Domain, PixabayI’ve been having a rough time for a while now, and while I have my good days, I’ve been having too many bad ones. I’m trying to figure things out, and it’s bringing a lot of things into question for me. I have no idea how the hell to do it, but I have a lot of things that I need to get figured out.

There’s a part of me that has really wanted to write about this whole thing, but I worried that people would think I was a hypocrite. The truth is, there’s nothing hypocritical about living the life you think you’re meant to live and then questioning it. It’s just a case of “shit happens” and nothing more. If anyone wants to think less of me, so be it. Only a fool never questions or wonders about the path they’re on.

The truth is that I have been dedicating my life to trying to help other people, and it has been draining the hell out of me. I’m not getting any positive feedback, all I’m getting is a comment barren blog and a constant influx of thoughts that hurt like hell. I really do think humanity has the potential for greatness and I do want this to be a better world filled with happy, loving people. Unfortunately, I’m not seeing much evidence of that in the world.

I’m not happy. I’m just not. I want to be, oh believe me, I want to be. I’d give or do just about anything to meet that end. However, trying to help other people just isn’t giving me a very good ROI. It’s miserable. The world sucks and people suck and that kills me. I was hoping that this blog would be a way for me to reach out and touch people and get interaction with others who think like me. What I got is one fan. One. I appreciate the hell out of him when he stops by, but one just isn’t enough.

I also feel like I’ve totally pussified myself. I try to be kind and loving and keep my ranting to a minimum. Like I said, I want to be happy. I don’t want to be the snarky, bitchy, hateful person I used to be. At the same time, writing in a way that’s basically hugging everyone and giving them a pat on the head isn’t working. I frequently think if I went back to calling people assholes and fuck-ups that they might actually listen. Sadly, we live in a world where people often respond better to being abused than to being loved.

The Voices Assure Me I'm Sane Sticker I’m even questioning my faith in all of this. I want to believe in Ome/God/Something bigger, but I’m getting really sick of feeling tested and punished. Every time something good comes into my life and I start to feel happy, something else comes along to shit on it all. I’ve been busting my ass and breaking my own heart for so many years, and I’ve got shit to show for it. You’d think that I’ve proven myself many times over by now and I’d be rewarded for all I’ve done. Unfortunately, that thought would be wrong.

I’m just sick of all the hurt and the sadness and the lack of every damn thing. I have no idea what to do, but something’s got to give. I want to help the world, but I’ve got to find some happiness for myself. what that means for the blog, I have no idea. I keep trying to have a plan, but that doesn’t seem to work. I don’t know if I’ll write self-help or rants or random brain vomit or maybe turn the whole damn thing into a marketing platform. I just don’t know anymore.

About Briana Blair

Artist, writer, ordained interfaith minister, Dr. of Metaphysics and passionate oddball. I love to create, and I love bringing knowledge and joy to others. I've been an artist for 35 years, a writer for 26 and a Pagan for 22. And I'm just getting started!
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2 Comments

    UserR

    I agree that humanity has an amazing potential for greatness. As hard as it is to see sometimes, I do see it here and there. But I also completely agree people respond better to negativity. Unfortunately, it seems that society has trained us to respond more to negative reinforcement than positive, even though the negative only begets negativity. While I may find your words refreshing, I know what you mean when you say that people just don’t seem to listen until you start actually berating them. But as a believer in positive reinforcement, I really respect what you’re doing.

    That being said, it’s really hard to market making yourself a better person because as you’ve pointed out before, there are so many scam artists that have cornered that market already. You just have to write whatever comes to you and be true to yourself. It’s hard and extremely frustrating at times, but you just have to keep doing it. I love how you’ve added the random animal facts to the site (I love that series to death). It’s good to just let your website be your brain-dump. That’s fine. I don’t know what the numbers look like on your end, but I will say that comments aren’t everything. It’s overall traffic and your Amazon affiliate income and your Zazzle/Cafepress income that matters the most in terms of online revenue. But I understand that you want interaction, the same that you’ve had on other sites in the past. I can guarantee you that there are other people out there moved by your words. But likely they’re just as shy as I used to be.

    You are one of my favorite people in this whole wide world, Bri. I love your writing and I look forward to reading more of it every night. In many ways, you’re responsible for me opening up a lot more than I ever have, and you’ve inspired me in ways I’m only beginning to realize now as a writer. You are unique and you have proven that you are truly a wonderful and incredible woman who has overcome so much in order to make yourself the best possible you that you can be. I know that it seems like you’ve only ever helped one person on the surface, but I know that there are others out there being affected by your words. They’re just not saying it.

    I would honestly comment on every single post of yours ever, but you only have so much time in your day to reply so I save my commentary for when I feel it is absolutely necessary now. That and I got a new freelance writing gig that’s eating up a lot of my “daily word count” (smiles). But in all honesty, I love what you’re doing. But if you feel you need to shift direction more towards your recipes (which I think would do well actually) and less self-help, I’m totally understanding. I just love your work, period, no matter what it is you write about. 🙂

    MANY HUGS!

      Briana Blair

      Thank you so much for the comment. I do appreciate every time you come by.

      Right now I’m just in a place where I’m trying to make sense of things.
      Scam artists, ugh, I have plans to go off more on that. I’m so fed up with self-help gurus that don’t actually care or help and just put out confusing bullshit and take desperate people’s money. That’s why I said I’d never charge. I want to help myself and everyone, but it may be a bumpy ride because it’s totally honest. I think half those people don’t even buy into their own BS anymore.

      As for the numbers, they’re horrific. Abysmal. Unless there’s massive change… Let’s just say it will be extremely unpleasant in a handful of months.

      I’m glad I’ve helped you, and I know there have been others. There’s just a serious lack of gratitude in the world. Not just from others to me, but from anyone to anyone else. It’s part of why I’m on the verge of bringing my snark back. I don’t want to be evil, but sometimes people need a strong hand, y’know? More than once I’ve been told I’d be a good drill instructor. My hard edge can be a good thing, and it’s more real.

      I’m really glad for your freelance gig too. I hope that goes awesomely for you. And as for the blog… well, I have a few more things written but I’m almost not sure the world really needs to know where my head is right now.

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