Today feels like a whole new day. Not in the obvious sense, but like I got a reboot on life. I’m rather enjoying it. Things have been rough around here for a while, but the winds are changing and I can feel it. I think it’s happening because I did some mental tweaking and changed how I was thinking about some things.
When you’re trying to get away from old habits, it’s pretty common to find yourself going in circles. You get better for a while, then things fall apart, then you try again and so on. I think it happens to everyone who’s trying to be a better person with a better life. The key is to always get back on track as quickly as you can. After a particularly rough night a few days ago, I put myself back on course again.
Interestingly enough, it feels different this time. Like I found another piece to the puzzle. It took some crying until it hurt and a piece of defiant poetry, but I feel something that’s good, familiar, and yet somehow new. I wish I could explain what it was, but sometimes these things are beyond words. I do know there’s a feeling of just being done with the suffering and paying for past indiscretions. I’m all paid up, thank you!
[laughs] It’s horrible and funny in a way that I was so wrapped up in guilt and penance that I could have been one of those stereotypical Catholics you see on TV. So, I’m letting go of that crap. It’s in the past! How am I ever going to have a future if I’m stuck in the past? It won’t happen. So, goodbye to the old baggage! Well, at least the parts I’m aware of. But it’s progress!
Interesting little things have been stacking up since that night. I actually got inspired to create a magical charm. I haven’t done that in a long time, and the times I tried it felt all wrong. I went poking around the internet looking for a spell, and ended up remembering that I don’t need other people’s spells, I can do my own thing, and I got this idea for a charm, and it felt really good. It was nice to feel connected to that part of my spirituality.
I also started drawing tarot cards again. I had no idea why, but yesterday I decided to draw one. As a matter of fact, I drew another later in the day. I’d never done that before. What was cool was that the first one didn’t make a lot of sense, but the second one made it clear. I guess my instincts were in gear, and something was telling me that I needed the clarification. I drew again today, and the messages are very uplifting and giving me a lot of hope.
I also got some ideas for bringing more wealth into my life. I started acting on it, and I can already see results. Views and sales are up literally overnight. I spent a lot of time writing in my digital diary yesterday about money, so much so that Eric wondered what all the feverish typing was about. I didn’t know why I was writing what I was, but it felt so good! I guess I got my vibe in the right place, because I can already see changes.
I’m also remembering that being too structured can stress me out. I need to remember to be fluid and flexible. In nature, rigid things break, but flexible things endure. I was trying to schedule my life too much rather than just letting it flow, and that was causing me massive guilt. Guilt is such a useless feeling most of the time. It’s better to just learn and move on instead of emotionally flogging yourself over something that has passed and can’t be changed.
I’ve got the feeling again that things are on an upswing, which is wonderful. Now all I need to do is stay here. The Universe is showing me just what I wanted, offering it up to me. I need to keep my eye on the prize and my heart in the right place. I need to be loose and free. I keep getting visions of interpretive dancers and how they have to be able to move gracefully but powerfully. It seems to be a perfect image for what I need to be doing in my life.
Image: , Barry Goyette, Greg Sample and Jennita Russo of Deyo Dances performing in the modern ballet Brasileiro.