Recently I mentioned feeling off and wanting to get myself back on track. That night something hit me that has me motivated again. Now let’s see if I can present it to you in a way that makes sense… I realized that I haven’t actually lost who I am, I’d only lost track of how to express who I am.
I decided some time ago that since I was good at helping people and it brought me joy to do that, that’s what I was going to devote my life to. I love writing and I love helping people, so I dedicated most of my writing to fulfilling those things. For quite a while everything was just flowing from me. I felt like I totally knew who I was and how to share that with the world in a way that could help people. Then there was the Bubblews fiasco and the long article migration, then the holidays and life in general, and I somehow lost track of things. I started getting caught up in my personal needs for the future and in all the insanity going on in society that I feel helpless to do anything about.
In all of that, I felt like I’d forgotten who I was. What other reason could there be for feeling so down and so unmotivated? Sure, there’s that “unseen force” I wrote about, but if I knew who I was, how could that bother me? What I realized is that I still know who I am. I still know what I want to do with my life. It’s not me that I lost, it was my voice. I want to help people so much that I kept feeling like I had to tackle bigger issues, do more, and say really profound things. I lost sight of what’s really at the core of who I am and what I want to do for others.
What’s at the core is that I want to make people better. It’s good to make people think about the big issues and to try to get them to take action, but if they have internal issues, none of that is going to matter. I want to help the world, but that has to happen from the inside out, not the outside in. The world isn’t going to change if the people in it are damaged. But if people heal from their damage, the world changes. I hope that makes sense to all of you, because it finally does to me. I need to get back to basics, back to helping people heal and grow. Once people are healthier physically, mentally and emotionally, all the rest falls into place. Strong, happy people pay attention to the issues and take action when they can. Healthy, fulfilled people have a better impact on the world.
So I hadn’t lost myself, I just got sidetracked when it came to how I was trying to help the world. I’m not a large-scale kind of girl. I’m better with small-scale, with taking things one bit at a time and building them into something bigger. I was trying, albeit with my heart in the right place, to bite off more than I could chew. Now I’m going to try to get back to where my strength lies, and that’s in focusing on the smaller, more personal issues that when resolved, make us better people.
I’m not sure how it will all play out, but I think the best way to get back into this is to try to help others the way I helped myself. The easiest way I can think to do that is to tell my own story, from the day I feel I finally woke up and really started changing, then sort of walk through how I faced and worked on the various issues I saw within myself and others. My only reservation in doing it that way is the possibility that in telling my story, people will think I’m fishing for sympathy or something. I can assure you all that I don’t need or want any sympathy though. My past is the past, but I have used it to help myself and I’ve already been using it to help others. I just think that now I might be able to use it all more effectively. If I can get this right, I can probably help a lot of people, and likely even grow some more myself.
On a side note, I also want to get the last of the wisdom bites up as well as the poetry. I’ve actually written a few new pieces in the last week or so. Sometimes I feel like those pieces throw off the flow of the site, but they’re all part of me, the process and what I want to share with you.