Sunday, January 5, 2014 6:35 PM
I keep thinking of how much I want to be a better, stronger person, but for some reason I can’t seem to do it. I want that to change. I want to have the energy and the drive to do the things that I need to do. I want to get in better shape, give up smoking and drinking, meditate more and be an amazing writer. I was getting so much better for a while, then something pulled me back down and I don’t know what it was.
Whatever the reason it happened, all I really care about now is getting better. I was starting to feel amazing and powerful and motivated, and I want that back. I want that feeling again, the one where I see myself as this amazing being with so much to give. I want to feel like I can do anything I set my mind to and it’ll just flow. I want to see positive results coming into my life. I want things to be brighter again.
I wish I knew what God or Spirit to call to, what meditation to do or affirmation to say to get myself back on track again. I want to be that amazing, uplifting, hopeful person that I felt myself becoming before. I swear, it’s like there’s something out there, some unseen force… It’s hard to describe.
It’s like this force leaves you alone when you’re down. You’re sad, unmotivated, feeling like crap, so it moves on and lets you stay in that place. Then, if you’re smart and strong, you start pulling yourself up. You start having faith and seeing the good in yourself. You start feeling like you can make a change in yourself and the world. You start making those changes, and things start to get better. Just when you start to feel that anything is possible and you can have the life you always dreamed of, that force turns its evil eye back to you.
Somehow, that force pulls you back down. It starts showing you ugly things. It saps your strength and motivation and makes you feel insecure and helpless again. It works on you until you’re low again before it moves on. Some may think that’s insane thinking, some may think it’s the devil, some may think it’s the low global consciousness trying to keep the status quo. Whatever it is, there seems to be some reality to it.
My desire is to figure out how to battle it. It’s like every time you reach a new high, that force finds a way to break you even more. It becomes harder to fight back and maintain yourself apart from the mindless sheep of the world. There’s got to be a way to fight it. I want to fight it. This sad, lonely, unmotivated person isn’t who I want to be.
I think one of the things that we need to do is connect to each other. People with like minds need to come together to fight this darkness. That’s one of the reasons I want more activity on the blog, I want people to talk and connect and fight against whatever the forces are that keep us down. There’s only so much that any of us can do alone. Together we are so much stronger than any one of us can be. Loneliness and lack of connection is one of the things that drains us and keeps us weak.
I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do it, but I need to battle my way back up and regain the person that I was becoming before. I have so much to do and so much to offer, I can not and will not let this world, this unseen force, break me. I will find myself again somehow. If anyone else out there feels like I do, I welcome you to comment and join with me in trying to overcome this so that we can be the amazing people and have the amazing lives that we’re meant for.