Right now I’m tired. Not the lack of sleep tired, but the physically and emotionally tired that you get when some stressful thing has been weighing on you for too long. I’m also pissed. I’m furious that something was done to me that I now have to figure out how to undo, and it’s used up countless hours and days and years of my life that could have been spent on something so much better.
Of course I’m talking about the Body Dysmorphic Disorder. That’s my major focus right now, and for very good reasons. I guess it’s maybe a mid-life thing, or maybe it’s just that I’m finally at the point in my personal and spiritual growth that I can tackle this problem. I don’t know. Either way, I’ve gotten to the “enough is enough” point. I’m sick of this roller coaster and I want off.
I have spent so much of my life hating myself, hating how I look. It took years for me to develop any kind of self-esteem. That self-esteem has been anchored directly to who I am as a person and what I have accomplished. Little to none of it has anything to do with the way I look. Now, learning to love myself as a person was incredibly important, and for any person, it’s a far better basis to grow from than liking how you look. Unfortunately, loving yourself as a person doesn’t automatically make you like how you look, and that can impede your growth in other areas.
I’ve gotten better than I used to be in regards to the BDD, but I’m not over it yet. I want to be. Oh God you have no idea how much I want to be. It makes me angry. Right now, I’m using that anger. I’m good at that. I’m turning all that rage and pain and putting it into finding a solution for myself and for others. I’m going to be working through this issue, and I will be writing about it a lot. It’s important, and right now, feels more important than anything else I’ve been doing.
There are so many things that go into how people end up with BDD, and so many methods that people can use to try to deal with it and recover. I’m going to write about this mission in the hopes of gaining help for myself, helping others, and changing society so there are fewer people suffering in the future. I’m going to try to keep the rage in check so that this is all helpful, but there’s some serious hate in there, so no guarantees.
I’m not sure how long it will take for me to gain control over this issue and become a happy and whole person, but I’m going to do everything I can to make it happen. I sincerely hope that I will be able to learn from and teach other people in the process and really change the way people think for the better. This has got to stop.