Recently I’ve been talking about waking people up and changing the world for the better. Most of the time it really gives me a reason to live, to work, to get up in the morning. It feels good to be doing something that’s not just for me. I’m part of something bigger. No matter how small or large my part is, I have it, and it’s a great thing. Unfortunately, not all days are that uplifting.
As I mentioned, some days are pretty heavy. I have literally stopped in the middle of the day to cry, just wracking sobs, like my heart is breaking. In a way, it is. I care so much for the world and for others and for the Earth that it hurts my heart to see everything that’s happening. Some days I feel like I’m just not doing enough, and that helpless feeling sucks.
There are days when I wish I could get back the bliss of ignorance and denial. I can remember a time in my life when I really didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone outside of my tiny part of the universe. I could see horror in the world and I didn’t care. I was just thinking about me. it was an easier way of life in some ways. When all you know and care about is your little blip in the world, it’s less to deal with.
The thing is, awakening, becoming a worthwhile human being… It’s not like kicking open a door as some will tell you. A door can be closed again. It’s more like tearing down your whole house. You can’t just put it back. Once you take the step into living a real life, there’s no going back.
For some (a lot really) that sounds like a perfectly good reason to never change, never break free. It’s not though. Everything changes. So much of it is better. You see so much that you would have missed before. Sure, that brings in some pain, but it brings in so much good that you never would have had before.
So yes, there are days when I wish I could go back to being a victim and a sheep, because it was simpler to let everyone else think for me and tell me how to live. But really, I wouldn’t truly want that. When I think of all that i have seen and done and been part of, I can’t truly want to be one of those people ever again.