“I’m not completely insane, I’m maybe just a little bit crazy.” Alana Davis is singing that in my ear right now, and it’s rather fitting.
There are so many times that I think about writing something, being completely honest with all of you about my beliefs and practices and how I think about things, but I don’t do it. Why? Because there’s still a part of me that’s afraid of the ridicule. “Overcome shame” and “Love yourself” are on my list of things I need to work on personally, and obviously they still need some work.
I do worry that people are going to think I’m a total nutjob. Now, it’s not that that bothers me so much. I don’t care if people think I’m crazy. What bothers me is the idea that if people really got to know who I am and what I’m about, they might not find my lessons so inspiring and worthy of listening to. Then again, it might make them listen more. I just know that people tend to be incredibly judgmental.
If people perceive me to be somewhere in the realm of “normal”, then I’m acceptable and worth listening to. If they start to see me as something too far outside that norm, I get scary. People tend to be scared sh!tless of things they can’t really understand. It makes them back off and not pay attention, preferring to retreat to their safe bubbles of repetition and comfortable conformity. I despise those bubbles.
Then again, I have a few of my own. I want nothing more than to break them. One of my bubbles is the one where I censor myself and keep a lot of my really “freakish” thoughts and beliefs to myself so people keep listening to the good I have to tell them. It’s that safe place where I’m not quite me, but I’m serving the greater good. It’s not always a comfortable place to be.
I’d rather just put myself out there, my beliefs and practices and… oh man, there’s so much I’ve learned from the weirdness of my life. My “crazy” way of thinking and living has done more for me than trying to be normal ever did. I’d really like to break that bubble and put all of myself into the world, I’m just not sure how. Maybe I should just do it and see how many of you freak out or stop reading, or if I gain a rabid fan base. I’m not sure.