You know, I’d forgotten how cathartic and satisfying writing could be. Especially when I’m not doing it for money or traffic, I’m just doing it. I know, some people might think I’m going overboard posting so often, but you know what? It’s my blog and I’ll do what I want. I need to remember that my life is my own and if anyone doesn’t like it, it’s their problem, not mine. And that’s not mean either. You don’t have to like what I do, I don’t have to like what you do, but as long as we’re not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal, we can do whatever the hell we want if it feels good. *grins*
I really need to try to take back my life. Christ, I can kind of remember the days when I wasn’t burdened by so much shit. Those were good times. It’s actually weird to think that I was insanely poor (like on total welfare poor) but I wasn’t stressed. I worked when I could, did what I could, and I enjoyed life too. I didn’t feel like every damn moment of my life had to be spent stressing and worrying and trying to find a way to make money. I have more now than I did then, and I’m vastly more stressed. How fucked up is that? I used to enjoy TV and going for walks and food and simple pleasures. Now I hardly enjoy anything, I constantly feel bored, stressed and guilty all at the same time. This shit is for the birds.
It’s all because of society too. Spending so much time online, being exposed to so many people’s shit opinions, it’s screwed with my head. People have changed too, and it’s not for the better. I remember when people used to be supportive of others, even if they were trying some off-the-wall shit, because they wanted everyone to be happy. Now everyone just wants to piss in your cornflakes and tell you that you can’t do what you want and everything is going to be miserable forever unless you do exactly what they tell you to do, which is probably the total opposite of what some other person, who’s equally sure of themselves, would tell you to do.
I used to be totally sure that whatever I was going to do would work, and it usually did. If it didn’t, I didn’t freak, I just gave it up or tried something else. I used to do what I wanted, because I wanted, and I never really thought much about what other people would think. Now my head is full of hundreds of “supposed to”s and “shouldn’t”s and doubt and crap. I hate it. It blows. I want it out of my damn head. I much prefer the me that was wildly optimistic and hardly stressed. The me I was before I got loaded down with other people’s negativity. The me that liked people and thought the world was pretty damned grand. I miss her. She was healthier, slept better, looked better, and was a lot cooler. I want an undo button, but there isn’t one.
So… I have to somehow figure out how to get all this shit out of my head. Writing helps some. I can use it to remember what I had and express what I want. Aside from that, I have no idea how to spring clean my brain. I’ve actually tried looking it up, but all I ever find is that you have to try to put something else in your head often enough to overwrite the old information. It’s kind of like permanently deleting a hard disk. It’s a pain in the ass and takes a long time, but it can be done so that the old data is unrecoverable.
**Ugh! Damnit. Why does life have to keep doing shit to me that screws with me trying to be happy?** (stuff happening in the house right now that annoys the shit out of me) I just wish life could be what I want it to be. Like, right now. Seriously. The PCH van needs to drive up right now and give me enough money to change everything. Jesus. It’s fucking amazing that I haven’t gone on a murder spree yet.