I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. I just feel like… I don’t know. I’ve been having a rough go of it for the last few days. I’m trying to fight off a creeping depression and being seriously pissed at my life and at the world. Nothing is what it’s supposed to be and it’s driving me crazy.
Everything online seems to suck lately. People are narcissistic and stupid beyond belief. Think about it: Selfies are a huge thing. People care more about which Instagram filer to use than they do about other human beings. People are okay with being anorexic and promoting eating disorders, but they act like proper grammar and spelling are a plague you need to avoid catching. People are lining up and paying thousands of dollars to have a foodborne toxin injected into their faces for the sake of vanity, but they won’t spend a few bucks to help a struggling person eat. People will kill each other for idiotic beliefs, but won’t even consider uniting as one people. It’s insane. It’s actually painful. It’s also really fucking sad when you actually wish that you could stop caring about people because their stupidity and hatefulness is more than you can stand.
I find myself longing for the days before I had constant computer access. Back when sure, I had no real friends and I was dirt poor, but I wasn’t inundated with negativity and stupidity. People spoke like they had sense. Life seemed simpler. I miss living in an area where no one locked their doors and neighbors were friendly. Where I could go walking alone and harvest herbs and I could see a movie in a local theater for just over two bucks. I actually remember enjoying collecting bottles off the roadside so I could get a movie ticket or a six-pack of Jim & Ginger from the convenience store. There were decent shows on TV and there was no “reality” crap clogging up every channel.
I’m sure some would say “just stop using the internet so much” but that’s easier said than done. The shit is already in my head. I know what’s going on in the world. I’m a friggin’ empath and I actually care about people and want the world to be a better place. Plus, for a while at least, I really enjoyed connecting to people online, having friends, even if they were just through the computer. Then people stopped caring and reaching out, people got to where they couldn’t even spell one sentence correctly and would rather fight to justify their stupidity than do things properly. People started being complete dicks because they couldn’t be touched on the internet. (Few would have the balls to say the shit they do if they had to do it to the person’s face.) Not to mention all the other idiotic shit. I mean, there are people who actually think Trump should be president for fuck’s sake. And all of that has already taken a toll. You can’t just wake up one morning and pretend none of it ever happened.
I don’t know what to do. I know what I want… I just don’t know if it’s feasible. What I want is a simple friggin’ life. I want to make my crafts, list them online, have them sell regularly, and have enough money to live in a small place of my own without having roommates. I don’t want to have to struggle and social network and SEO and all that shit. Make, list, sell, done. I used to do that years ago and I loved it. My Bidville days were some of my favorite. Shit, nobody even thought about social networks or SEO back then and we all made good money. i want to get up in the morning and do yoga and have my body get into good shape and stay that way without constant struggle. I want to listen to music and have reasons to smile and feel like life is good. I want to goto bed at night feeling satisfied and sleep well. I want to believe that there is good in the world and that people are generally nice and caring. I don’t want to have to deal with assholes, idiots, narcissists and morons. I don’t really think that’s too much to ask.
I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of the ugliness and that black, heavy weight caused by the world being fucked. I just want to be happy and have a simple life for the rest of my days. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t work, except that people have created a joint reality in which such things are a naive dream. It’s not actual reality, but it’s what enough people believe that it’s hard as hell to break through it. I’d love to find other people who want what I want, who believe in the good and in being able to change the energy that surrounds us and make our own reality. I’m just not sure if there are any of those left out there anymore. I’d like to think that there are, I just haven’t been able to find any.
I may be doing more journaling after this, I don’t know. Will anyone care? Will it matter? Will it just be my little piece of weird immortality on the internet? Maybe it’s just a way to get shit out of my head just so I don’t completely lose my shit. Maybe it’ll draw the energy and life I want toward me. Who knows. I’m just doing it for now.