“After all, what do you really want? Not perfection; you are already perfect. What you seek is to express in action what you are. For this you have a body and a mind. Take them in hand and make them serve you.” – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
I saw this on Tumblr and for some reason it made me think of what I’ve been going through mentally and emotionally lately. I really do want to express who I am to the world. Unfortunately, everything that’s happening is limiting my ability to do that. The litany of suck that I have to face makes it really hard to be the good, helpful, loving person that I want to be.
Some people say that such statements are just excuses, but I disagree. I am what I am, but I don’t get to express it and that’s a fact. My art and writing are stifled by the constant misery and lack and struggle. The hatred or apathy of people in the world makes it really hard to be loving and kind to them. I can’t help people who don’t want to listen. It gets really tiring.
I keep praying that Ome, the universe, whatever it is, will stop throwing pain at me and just let me express all that I want to be and do. If you’re constantly making someone hurt, how can they ever shine? Sure, some flowers bloom under adverse conditions, but many of them just shrivel and die, never having the chance to flourish and show all of their wonder. That’s how I feel most of the time.
I really want to grow and blossom and share all of my wonder with the world, but for that to happen I need to have sunlight and rich soil and gentle rain and to be tended with love. Living a life that’s equivalent to planting a flower in sand, keeping it in the dark and watering it once a month while usually forgetting that it exists, well, that’s no way to get it to be all that it can be. If it lives at all, it will be pale and weak and not at all impressive.
I have so much that I want to be and do, but I don’t know how with all the crap that I feel is being slung my way. Even on the best days, it’s utterly unremarkable. I’m surviving, not much more. It’s hard for me to be joyful and grateful and inspired and amazing when I’m just barely getting by and looking at a future where I won’t even be able to do that unless something radically changes.
Someone recently told me that happiness is supposed to come from the inside and that I can just be happy, and I don’t need outside stuff to make that happen. Unfortunately, this did not come from a happy person, so I had serious trouble with it. At any rate, I don’t understand how to “just be happy.” I wish I did. I’d love to do that.
Right now all I can think is that I want life to ease up on me. Give me what I need so that I can express all that I have to offer instead of holding me back in misery. I’ve busted my ass enough to deserve a much better life than this. If the higher power loved me, it should want me to be all that I can be instead of treating me like that neglected plant.