My life is not what I want it to be. I strive to change that every day. I dream of a life where I have success, health, love, and a reason to keep going. I pray for a life that is so amazing, so full of joy that I can’t help but share it. I wish for a life so abundant that I forget what lack and sadness are.
Lately I’ve been wondering, what am I doing wrong? Not from my usual perspective though. This is not the worries of self-hatred or personal failure in my actions. Not really. This is something that is, to say the least, difficult to explain. I know that I am talented, loving, intelligent, kind, filled with a desire to love, be loved, give and share. I cry for the pains of people I don’t even know. I think about the happiness of people I’ve never met. In my soul, I’m pretty good. I’m dusty and tattered at the edges, but at the core, where it matters, I believe I’m on the right track.
So why is it then, that the universe doesn’t open up and shower me with all that I desire? So many spiritualists and self-help teachers and even average people claim that when your heart is in the right place the world opens up to you. So I wonder, what am I missing? Is there something lacking in who I am? Is there something I’m not thinking or feeling? Am I butting my head against some wall that I can’t even see?
Something inside me feels it’s likely the latter, some invisible wall that I’ve built that is separating me from my real life, that life I so deeply desire. But how does one see what can’t be seen? If I knew what it was, I’d walk around it or tear it down. Maybe I’d climb over it. The knowledge of it would allow me to conquer it. But this isn’t quite like misting hair spray to see a hidden laser. There’s no easy way to see this big, invisible blockage.
It leaves me with this deep questioning. It’s painful, but at the same time there’s this other feeling. It’s like walking in fog and knowing that soon it will clear and you’ll be somewhere beautiful. It’s a strange hopefulness. I’m confused and scared and yet hopeful. I know there must be a wall, and I know that it can be made visible. I only don’t know quite how to make it visible. So I’m looking inside, trying to figure out what it is.
Am I afraid of health, wealth or love? I’d like to think not. I enjoy thinking of all of them, and what I’ve had before I remember fondly. Do I feel unworthy? Not really. I think it’s high time that life turns for the better. I’ve worked hard and been battle tested. Do I not love myself enough? Ah, now there may be something in that. I’m not sure what loving yourself really means. I know that people, and even I, say that you have to love yourself. I like myself, but maybe I don’t yet truly understand what it is to love myself. Could that be my wall?