Shallowness And Insane Cosmetic Procedures (Rant) - BrianaDragon Creations

Shallowness And Insane Cosmetic Procedures (Rant)

Surgery Procedure Image: Public Domain, Pixabay
Posted by / January 15, 2014 / 4 Comments

Surgery Procedure

Image: Public Domain, Pixabay

I don’t rant very often anymore, but sometimes, well, I just can’t help myself. There are days when something comes to my attention that just makes me want to go out, grab random people and shake them while screaming “What the hell are you thinking?!” This is one of those days. While looking for educational and uplifting things to add to the Beautiful Like You Pinterest and Scoop.It boards, I was made aware of just how crazy people have gotten, all in the name of “beauty”.

We all know that breast implants, liposuction and face lifts have become all too common. People are spending tens of thousands of dollars to defy nature and look like copies of some unnatural idea of “beautiful”. What you might not realize is just how far people are going to obtain this unrealistic ideal. Here are some of the procedures that people are getting these days, because apparently, being a natural, wonderful human being is just not cool anymore.

Knee lifts, lightening and liposuction

Yes, people have decided that knees are ugly, and therefore they have to be altered. people are getting knee lifts and knee realignments, not because of any physical defect or health issue, but because they don’t like the way their knees are shaped. Knee liposuction is also done for those who feel they have “fat knees”. And let’s not forget knee lightening, because dark knees and elbows are just so unsightly.

Anal bleaching

Speaking of dark and unsightly, there’s anal bleaching. Once reserved only for porn actresses it has now become a more common procedure, because someone out there has decided that you can’t be hot if you have a dark bumhole. I’d rather not think about the mental status of a person who actually cares about the color of someone else’s anal orifice.

Dermal foot filling

Surgeons can now put fillers in your feet to make high heels more comfortable. Instead of encouraging you to be smart and only wear high heels once in a while rather than every minute of your life, you can have filler products injected into your feet to act like cushions. Sure, you’ll be off your feet for a week and they break down and need replacement over time, but hey, you can wear those 8″ heels you saw in Paris.

Toe tucks

People are so shallow that feet are apparently a big issue. But fear not! Surgeries are available to shorten that one toe that’s longer than the rest and to liposuction away the “toe-besity you may have. And yes, that’s actually the term for it, because heaven knows you don’t want chubby toes. Oh, and let’s not forget “toe-tucks”, which are a painful, risk-ridden procedure to remove the bone from your little toe so that you can wear pointier shoes.

Bicep implants

For the guy or gal who just can’t be bothered with working out to build muscle, there are hard silicone implants that you can get in your arms to make it look like you have muscle. You’ll still be weak as a wet noodle, but you’ll look buff. And if you’re willing to be cut open from armpit to elbow, they can get rid of those saddle-bag arms for you too.

Ear stitching

Can’t stand those “Dumbo ears”? There’s a surgery where you can get your ears stitched to the side of your head to give you a sleeker look. Ear lobe lifts are also an option if you’re into that sort of thing.

Belly button reconstruction

Gone are the days of being stuck with an “outie”. If you can’t stand your navel, you can get it reconstructed to be an “innie”. Welcome to the world of navel lint!

Permanent smile

The Joker was just so sexy, right? Well, if you want to look just like him, there’s a procedure where you can have the corners of your mouth slit and stitched so the corners turn up forever. You’ll never be able to express natural emotion again, but hey, you’ll never have a frowny face either.

Eyelash transplants

Because apparently falsies aren’t good enough. As if that chemical that will give you longer lashes but turn your eyes brown wasn’t enough, now you can get the Bosley treatment for your eyes. Apparently though, they keep growing after they’re implanted so you have to cut them regularly, because they’re actually hair harvested from your scalp.

Abdominal etching

For abs without exercise! It’s expensive, temporary, and doesn’t improve your health, but for the lazy person who’s all about looks, you can have precision liposuction that will give you the appearance of 6-pack abs.

Voice lift

If you think your voice is too high or too low, you can actually get surgery to have it changed. You’ll need to have your throat splayed open and implants attached to your vocal cords, but you get to have any pitch of voice you want, providing it doesn’t go wrong and permanently ruin your ability to speak.

The tongue patch

It would just be too much work to learn to eat responsibly, so the tongue patch was invented. This abrasive (think the prickly side of velcro) patch is sewn to your tongue. When it heals, it makes you incapable of ever eating solid food because trying to chew is insanely painful. But hey, that’s way better than just learning not to stuff that extra candy bar into your face, isn’t it?

Limb lengthening

This procedure comes with a high risk of immobile limbs and infection, but if you really just can’t handle being teased about your height anymore, you can have your legs cut open, your bones broken, and get telescoping rods inserted that will expand over time causing you to become taller.

The scary thing is, these procedures probably aren’t the dumbest things that people are doing to themselves, or the most extreme. All because the media keeps telling people that the way they are isn’t good enough. You can’t be yourself, you have to be some ideal that only exists naturally in less than 1% of the human population. Even though the other 99% is naturally varied, you shouldn’t be happy unless you look like the 1%. It’s so stupid! And what’s worse is that most people come out of these surgeries damaged or looking worse than they did to begin with because, hello, it’s not the way they’re meant to be.

When are people going to wake up and stop this madness? If you lost a limb or have a major birth defect or scars, then sure, get it fixed so that you look like you were naturally meant to look. Don’t go changing what nature made you just so you can look like someone else. It won’t make you happier in the long term, there are huge risks, it’s a waste of money, and it will never, ever make you a better person. You need to love the way nature created you and be a good person. Focus on who you are, not how you look, and forget about what other people think you “should” look like. If we were meant to look the same, we’d be born that way.

About Briana Blair

Artist, writer, ordained interfaith minister, Dr. of Metaphysics and passionate oddball. I love to create, and I love bringing knowledge and joy to others. I've been an artist for 35 years, a writer for 26 and a Pagan for 22. And I'm just getting started!
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4 Comments

    Eric Peacock

    Okay, there is officially no hope for the human race any more. I don’t wanna live here, somebody stop the planet and let me off!

      Briana Blair

      There’s hope, we just have to work really hard to wake people up and get them to realize the insanity. Every person who see the fnords needs to tell someone else and keep spreading the word.

    UserR

    Some of these don’t sound ANYTHING like improvements, and certainly not worth the risks involved…

      Briana Blair

      I thought some of these just had to be hoaxes, but after researching each one, I found that they’re real. And yeah, the risks are documented and yet people keep doing this stuff anyway. people need to learn to just be happy being themselves.

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