I was watching the most recent Good Witch movie last night and it was all about bringing family together. It made me think of how much I sometimes wish my own family could come together.
If you read things like my You’re Not Alone series and other posts, you realize my maternal family is a mess. They’re a bunch of very mentally unstable people caught in a cycle of hate and lies and abuse. I did not have a happy childhood. I don’t know if I can truly forgive all that I went through and saw them put each other through, but I have let go of the hate and come to understand that they are all broken, and they really didn’t know how to do anything else.
Sometimes I think of them and I wish that they could be healed. I wish that they could see the error of their ways and learn a better way of thinking and living. I don’t think you’re ever too old to become a new person, so long as you truly want it. I think any and all of them could have that beautiful shift from a life of hate and lying and abusing and sickness into better lives. Unfortunately, they never seemed to want it. They seemed to prefer their awful ways.
I know that’s just because they’re mentally broken from generations of misinformation and abuse. I’m the only person I know of in my entire family, out of dozens of known relatives, who has broken free of the cycle and become a worthy person. That really breaks my heart. My great grandparents, grandparents, mother and siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, all the other relatives, they’re all still living in that place of wrong thinking and hurtful living.
I feel sad for them now. It’s hard to hate them anymore when I know that there’s another way of living, and they could have it if only they wanted it. Early on in my self-improvement journey I did try to help some of them. All I got in response was more pain. I gave it a few years and tried again. Still they clung to their hateful, hurtful ways. Rather than accepting my love and help, they tried to break me and bring me back into the cycle. I had to cut every last one of them out of my life to save myself.
I wish I hadn’t had to, and I still wish for them to find healing and happiness. To know that even one of them had made the change and truly committed to a better life would fill my heart with joy. If one of them could do it maybe they could influence the others. It saddens me to think of them living these lives and passing it on to another generation and another after that. They hurt everyone they encounter, and I’d change that if I could.
Even though I can’t risk getting involved with them ever again, I do sometimes think on them with love in my heart, despite all that happened. I wish for them to see the light, to truly see what they are and begin changing it. I wish for them to heal and find love and happiness and health before it’s too late.