I’ve been giving a lot of thought to individualism, being real and who I am. That’s probably been apparent in my posts over the last week. It’s still something I’m working through. It came into my head to make a list of who/what I am, so that’s what I’m doing.
I’m a woman, female, sort of androgyne, masculine-ish, mentally bisexual, actively heterosexual.
I’m a tank, tough, hard and cold. I’m soft and fragile and loving and caring.
I’m a hard worker, determined, adamant and motivated. I’m sometimes lazy and confused and uninspired.
I’m creative as a writer, artist, crafter and just generally. I’m simple and uninventive.
I’m sweet and snuggly and girly. I’m bitchy and mean and violent.
I love animated features and romantic comedies. I love crime drama and horror, the bloodier the better.
I’m clear and articulate and frequently learning. I’m a speed talker who swears.
I’m a poet, inspirational and self-help writer. I’m an op-ed junkie and fluff embracer.
I’m a survivor of rape, mental abuse, physical abuse and severe health issues. I’m a victim of self-esteem issues and caring too much.
And that’s just scratching the surface.
I’m all of that, none of it, and so much more and sometimes less. I’m in constant flux. I’m perfect and flawed and amazing and utterly f*cked up. I couldn’t define myself precisely if I tried. I’m in what seems to be a never-ending battle to take all that I am and make it really work for me.
As strong as I am and as much as I’ve learned and grown and changed, I still fall sometimes. I still battle some of the demons that have been eating at me my whole life. I look for strength in the world when mine is just used up. I’m usually left wanting, so I rely on myself and keep pushing on. I’m not perfect, but I keep working on it. And only my idea of it, not anyone else’s.
My biggest battle right now is trying to accept and embrace all my facets. I’m so varied that I’m kind of a walking contradiction. But that’s who I am. I need to love that and make it work for me. I need to figure out how to blend into a cohesive whole. I’d like to be a complete person and not look like someone with multiple personality disorder. And that’s my desire, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I want to feel and be whole, balanced.
Hopefully one of these days I’ll figure out exactly how to do that. In the meantime, I take one day at a time. I’m trying to learn from each and every day, each exchange and opportunity. More than anything I need to do the one thing that has always worked for me: Do everything in my power to separate myself from everyone else’s thoughts, opinions and desires. Only in knowing what’s not me can I know what is. Only in loving myself can anyone else. It’s probably one of the hardest things for anyone to work on, but probably one of the most worthy.