Last night I was presented with some people’s perceptions of me. It hurt, but like anything that hurts, it’s a chance to grow and to clear the air.
I was told that people perceive me as “condescending” and “high-and-mighty”. That’s partly other people’s fault, and partly mine. I’m going to try to explain that to the best of my ability. The truth is, I am neither of those things, and it stings that anyone would think that of me. The fact that such ideas exist is proof that I and others have some room to grow.
I am nothing if not a tank. I can push through anything. I’m strong and a force to be reckoned with. That’s good for the most part, it’s made me who I am today, which is a pretty good person. My ability to be a solid thing, impenetrable, has allowed me to survive this long. Unfortunately, to be that, I can’t allow any weakness. I can’t show any flaws. It’s hard, and it turns out, more detrimental than it’s worth sometimes.
This perception is partly my fault because I have believed that in order to protect myself, grow and become who I want to be, I need to be strong and I need to be perfect. The reality is that I can’t be those things all the time, and it makes me look fake when I try too hard. There’s a balance between being what makes you better and taking it to an extreme where you look like you’re just full of shit.
It’ partly other people’s fault because they choose to only see the worst, and only what’s on the surface. They never looked deeper, they never asked if I meant to come off that way. They never considered that there might be a reason why I seem the way they see me. As I said, there’s room for growth on both sides.
I’m also very adamant about the path I’m on and how I want to live, but I sometimes fail in the communication arena. I don’t always say the right things or ask the right questions. That little battle is going to get its own post. However, the fault is shared when people only see what they want to see in what I say, and don’t look beyond the initial negative impression to see what may be underneath it.
If anyone out there has felt that way about me, that I seem to act like I’m above others or looking down on anyone, please understand it was never meant that way. The internet is wonderful, but let’s face it, the written word leaves much to be desired. Even the most talented writer on earth can be misunderstood. Even the most carefully crafted words can be seen in the wrong light when the reader is looking from a skewed perspective. My wordsmithing needs to improve, and other people’s minds need to open a bit too.
Now, that said, if people want to hold on to their perceptions of who I am, incorrect as they are, that’s on them. I know my heart, whether I can adequately express it or not. I’ve learned from this experience and it will only make me better. I do what I do from a place of love and learning, and that will never stop.