I’ve been talking a lot about perceptions and understanding people today, and some comments I got made me think of something I wanted to explain. I want people to know why I cringe a little when people call my ‘human” or when I think of being such.
Some people seem to have the idea that it’s because I think I’m better than others, which is nuts. I mean sure, I’m better than some, but surely not as good as some others. They take my comments about being a queen and a Goddess completely out of context and perceive me as some pompous ass. I’m not. I have my reasons, and even though I’ve expressed it here and there, I guess people haven’t gotten it yet. So, let’s try to rectify that little issue, shall we?
First off, I actually feel like I’m not human, but the details of that are something for another time. My queen and goddess statements come from my desire to be more than I am, to overcome and to “ascend” if you will. I am part of the Universe, of God, just like everyone. I joke and say the things I do as a way of reminding myself of the glory and power and possibility that’s in me and all around me. I’m part of it and it’s part of everything.
I usually say those things when I’m feeling down, feeling disconnected, and I need to remind myself of all that I am, all that I’ve overcome, and all that I can be. I’m not trying to be better than anyone. Honestly I don’t even care about that, it’s not something I think about. The only person I ever try to be better than is myself. I use the goddess and awesome comments to bring myself up and remind myself of all the good that I have and can become.
I don’t think badly of people who blow their own horn now and then. We all need to pick ourselves up sometimes. And there is nothing wrong at all with saying and doing things that make you feel like you’re part of that infinite love and light and possibility. (Wow, between that thought and Adele Singing “Set Fire to the Rain” in my ears, I’m nearly in tears.) We should all feel that glory. Those of us who know it exists do what we have to to feel it when it seems like it, and our confidence, are slipping.
And there’s a thing too. I’ve spent most of my life being called ugly, stupid, fat, poor, useless, hopeless, incapable… You build defenses to it over time. For me, reminding myself of all the ways that people tell me I’m awesome is how I keep from crying my eyes out over feeling insignificant and inferior. Other people see more in me than I do. I “brag” about it when I’m feeling insecure (which happens more often than I’d like) and trying to stay the wonderful person that people tell me I am.
So, back around to the start… I sometimes don’t like being called human because it makes me feel flawed, small, less. It hurts. It’s less than the glory of being part of the Everything. Yes, it’s my own problem, something I need to come to terms with. I am an infinite part of God, in a human form. I’m both, and that’s okay. I’ll get there. But for now, maybe you’ll understand and see what I do for what it is, and not as some screwed up superiority complex.